Dear Woot,
I’m a big fan of you guys, but you’re kind of starting to piss me off. What the hell is up with this? Or this? Just in case you forgot: half of the population are women. Maybe you should consider that when writing your copy, and try not be giant assholes. Thanks.
No love,
Susi
EDIT: Now they’re just taunting me.
Dear Penny Arcade,
Why do you insist on doing those self-indulgent and masturbatory “cardboard tube samurai” comics? I suppose there must be some people that read and enjoy them, but the internet is full of idiots so I wouldn’t really take that as an endorsement.
Love,
Susi
Dear relatively new co-worker:
While I understand that it gets hot in your office, you may want to consider closing the door anyway if you are going to have a private conversation about your pending lawsuit. It might also help some if you didn’t have the LOUDEST VOICE KNOWN TO MAN.
Since you get approximately a hundred personal calls a day, please also consider putting your cell phone on silent during the workday, or at least turn it down. I do not enjoy hearing your too-loud fake Caribbean music ring tone. If you do not, you may find your phone to be mysteriously missing one day soon.
One last thing: lay off the perfume. If the restroom still smells like your perfume when you were last in there fifteen minutes ago, you’re doing it wrong.
Love,
Susi
Dear Old Navy,
I love fuzzy sweaters. They are warm, comfortable, and generally make me happy on cold days. But your fuzzy sweaters shed about as much as my cat Rex when he’s nervous. THERE IS NO REASON FOR THIS. My pants do not have any need to be fuzzy at this time. While I appreciate your low-cost fuzzy sweaters, please do try to make them less sheddy in the future.
Love,
Susi
Dear Heroes writers,
Seriously guys, WTF. I stuck behind you when everyone was complaining about how slow this season was going at the beginning, and this is how you repay me? Did you not know you were going on strike until five minutes to five on a Friday? I expected it to be a little rushed at the end, but damn. The last thirty minutes felt phoned in. Try to do a better job next time, kay?
Love,
Susi
PS – There’s no rule that says you have to kill a certain number of characters per season. Maybe you could scale back on that a bit in the future?
PPS – Forget I said that. Elle and Sylar need to die.
Dear guy driving behind me in the gray van,
Dude. A handlebar moustache? For real? That’s so awesome. Do you wax it and everything? I can totally see you waking up every morning and carefully sculpting your moustache. Then you’d put on a smoking jacket and have a glass of 32 year old scotch and a cigar in the study, while polishing your plans for world domination.
Love,
Susi
Dear guy driving the blue mustang,
I have a rear-view mirror. I can SEE you with your finger up your nose. Seriously, I understand that sometimes it’s just gotta be done, but do you think you could maybe wait until I’m not sitting in front of you at a traffic light? This light has been red now for two whole minutes and you’ve been digging around in there the whole time. What are you looking for? Jimmy Hoffa? Your lost dignity? Get a box of tissues or something, for the love of Pete.
Love,
Susi
Dear Nutrigrain Bar manufacturers,
I sure do like Nutrigrain bars. They make a great second breakfast at work, and I can keep them in my drawer indefinitely. My one complaint is the oats you guys put on top of the bars. I guess this is to make them look pretty or something. All it does for me is get oats on my keyboard. Seriously, you would have a perfect no-mess food if you took those stupid oats off the top. Please, think about the keyboards.
Love,
Susi
Dear Netflix,
I thought we had everything worked out. Up until a couple of weeks ago our relationship was idyllic. I would send you a disc one day, you’d send a new one the next day, and I’d get it the day after that. You were so reliable. But now I don’t know what’s going on. Sometimes I don’t get anything new from you for a week. Are you…seeing someone else? I like you a lot, and I don’t want us to break up. Could you maybe put some effort into being on time again, like you used to? I’ll keep checking my mailbox until I hear from you.
Love,
Susi
